GetALife.com

Saturday, September 18, 2004

"All-Star Game last night. Of course one of the big stories from last night's All-Star Game is the fact that, this is interesting, Roger Clemens was pitching and his enemy, Mike Piazza, was chosen as his catcher. These two had to work together and they hate each other. Yeah, and of course you probably heard this, things didn't turn out too well for Clemens. He gave up six runs in the first inning. Actually I think we may have figured out what was wrong because a microphone nearby picked up what Piazza was saying. (Begins clip of Clemens pitching to Manny Ramirez)."

Piazza: "Psst, Manny, do you wanna hit? He's coming with a curveball."

Ramirez: "Where?"

Piazza: "Inside. OK, here you go. Tee it up, man."

Ramirez then slams a home run. (July 14)

"Shaquille O'Neal is back in Florida. He's gonna play for the Miami Heat. Here he is from ESPN last night talking about Kobe Bryant and other weird stuff ..." (July 19)

Shows clip:

Interviewer: "If Kobe Bryant called on your cell phone right now, what would you say to him?"

Shaq: "I don't have a cell phone. It's people I'm connected with, I'm connected with. All you gotta do is think, and I'll call you. I don't have a cell phone and that's the problem with the Diesel. I'm technologically more advanced than you are. My thought process begins where a regular human apexes at."

Kimmel: (Laughing and holding a phone.) "I'm thinking Shaq, and I've got a phone right here."

"Oh, Laker pride. Kobe Bryant has decided to re-sign with the Los Angeles Lakers, ladies and gentlemen, yeah. Yeah, he wanted to leave Los Angeles, but his ankle bracelet kept beeping." (July 15)

"Wow, this is bizarre. A new report by the U.S. Geological Survey found that Florida, the state of Florida, is sinking into the ocean. Yeah, yeah, yeah. How much does Shaquille O'Neal weigh, anyway? That's what I wanna know." (July 20)

"A 182-karat diamond has been discovered in a diamond mine in West Africa, four times bigger than the famous Hope Diamond. One hundred eighty-two karats! Or as Kobe Bryant calls it, a season pass." (July 21)

"Kobe Bryant made a decision last week. He says he will be a Laker for life. Either that or he will be a Laker doing life." (July 19)

"Former Laker Vlade Divac has left Sacramento and is coming back to be the Lakers center. Do you know Vlade is a Serbian word that means 'half as good as Shaq'?" (July 21)

In an interview with ESPN The Magazine, John Kerry said he learned about life from playing sports. You know the most frustrating thing about playing sports for Kerry: finding a helmet that fits. Today, President Bush said he also played a lot of sports as a child but somehow the records were either lost or destroyed." (July 21)

Did you see (John) Kerry trying to throw out the first pitch at the Yankees-Red Sox game the other night? In fact, his pitch was so bad today he was offered a contract with the Arizona Diamondbacks." (July 27)

The Top 10 Signs Lance Armstrong Is Getting Cocky:

10. "Race starts at 9, Lance rolls out of bed around noon."

9. "Has already figured out that the trophy can hold a 3-gallon margarita."

8. "He's eating frosting by the fistful."

7. "For the last leg, he rode one of those crazy 1920's bikes with the big front wheel."

6. "Deliberately crashing into things to get more air time on 'SportsCenter.' "

5. "Making a couple extra bucks delivering pizzas during the race."

4. "After the starter pistol is fired, he hangs around hitting on French babes."

3. "Turns to the other riders and says, 'Oooh, I'm sooooo scared.' "

2. "Instead of training, spent last two months pimping his bike."

1. "Has started selling ad space on his ass" (July 22)

"How about that Lance Armstrong? He won his sixth consecutive big bike race over there, the Tour de France, and it's a huge thing, and after the victory, President Bush called him to congratulate him on being the first man to walk on the moon." (July 26)

We should do to Greece what the Chinese do to us in pingpong. It shouldn't even be close. I told you we should've sent the Clippers over there. I said it a million times. Allen Iverson led the U.S. squad with a broken hand. High scorer for Greece was Gyro Fedapita, who put in 11 points I think. Next up on the road to the gold, the U.S. vs. Vatican City with the Fighting Pontiffs favored by five. There's one thing for sure, I tell you what, whether we win the gold medal in basketball or not, our team will still have the most gold around their neck and in their teeth." (Aug. 17

We should do to Greece what the Chinese do to us in pingpong. It shouldn't even be close. I told you we should've sent the Clippers over there. I said it a million times. Allen Iverson led the U.S. squad with a broken hand. High scorer for Greece was Gyro Fedapita, who put in 11 points I think. Next up on the road to the gold, the U.S. vs. Vatican City with the Fighting Pontiffs favored by five. There's one thing for sure, I tell you what, whether we win the gold medal in basketball or not, our team will still have the most gold around their neck and in their teeth." (Aug. 17

"They actually had an earthquake in Athens this morning, 4.5 on the Richter scale. Not a huge one, but the crowd got mad and they changed it to 4.8." (Aug. 24)

A Russian gymnast got a lower score than the crowd thought he deserved and so they whistled angrily for 10 minutes at Hamm. Let me explain something to you people over there: Whistling does not bother us. We whistle while we work over here. When we hear whistling we think of Old Spice and 'The Andy Griffith Show.' ... We like it. And second, you are aware this is gymnastics, right? You're furious about gymnastics. That's like being angry at Gloria Estefan. You should be embarrassed to even have an opinion on Gloria Estefan and it's the same thing with gymnastics." (Aug. 24)

"Double iron cross news: The best story of the 2004 Athens Games has taken an awful turn as USA's Paul Hamm found out his gold medal is meaningless because of a judge's error that he actually should have won silver instead of gold. To refresh your memory, Yang Tae-young of South Korea finished third, second place of course was the governor of New Jersey. ... A real man would honorably give up his gold, but then again a real man wouldn't spend his life in tights on a pommel horse. Just telling it like it is. ... Some speculate Hamm may have won because of the ballot of an Iranian judge. (Show's ballot that reads, 'Paul Hamm, USA; 10; PLEASE DON'T INVADE MY COUNTRY')." (Aug. 23)

"Hey, I wonder if President Bush has been watching the Olympics. What do you guys think? Let's find out. Here we go. ..." (Shows clip -- Reporter: "Have you been watching them?" Bush: "Oh, yeah, they're exciting." Reporter: "Does a particular moment stand out?" Bush: "Umm, a particular moment I liked, uhhh ... let's see ... hmmm ... Iraqi soccer.") (Aug. 23)

"The Top 10 Signs You're Not Going To Win A Gold Medal In Olympic Softball", as read by the U.S. softball team via satellite from Athens.

10. "Your religion forbids you from hitting anything with a bat."

9. "You could hit .400 and still not be hitting your weight."

8. "Only three players show up for your final game because Oprah's on."

7. "Because of your travel agent, the earliest you can get to Greece is November."

6. "Your starting lineup includes six players from the Montreal Expos."

5. "Every time there's a popup the outfielder yells, 'Run for your lives!' "

4. "Your starting shortstop -- the frozen head of Ted Williams."

3. "Won't go to third base because you're 'just not that kind of girl.'"

2. "Your pitcher leaves in the fifth inning to 'beat traffic.' "

1. "You got nine players, one uniform." (Aug. 24)

"Top 10 Reasons I, Marion Jones, Love The Olympics," as read via satellite from Athens by Jones:

10. "The pillows in the Athens hotel rooms smell like gyro meat."

9. "Once I found a comb someone had lost in the long jump pit."

8. "I had a chance to meet Danish badminton champ, Camilla Martin."

7. "Put a gold medal in a change machine and you get like 20 bucks in quarters."

6. "If you get nervous performing in front of big crowds, you won't have that problem here."

5. "Ten percent discount on selected Olympus cameras."

4. "Ralph Nader keeps begging me to be his running mate."

3. "Free javelins!"

2. "I can use the Olympic torch to light cigars."

1. "I'll likely get to go to the White House and meet what's-his-face." (Aug. 23)

Sunday, September 12, 2004

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy takes out his phone and calls the emergency services.

He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gunshot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?"

A doctor says to his patient, 'I have bad news and worse news'.
'Oh dear, what's the bad news?' asks the patient.
The doctor replies, 'You only have 24 hours to live'.
'That's terrible', said the patient. 'How can the news possibly be worse?'
The doctor replies, 'I've been trying to contact you since yesterday'.

A (certain hair color) wanted to go ice fishing. She'd seen many books on the subject, and finally, after getting all the necessary "tools" together, she made for the nearest frozen lake. After positioning her comfy footstool, she started to make a circular cut in the ice.

Suddenly---from the sky---a voice boomed,

"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"

Startled, the (certain hair color) moved further down the ice, poured a Thermos of cappuccino, and began to cut yet another hole. Again, from the heavens, the voice bellowed,

"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"

The (certain hair color), now quite worried, moved way down to the opposite end of the ice, set up her stool, and tried again to cut her hole.

The voice came once more.

"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"

She stopped, looked skyward, and said, "Is that you, God?" The voice replied,

"NO, THIS IS THE MANAGER OF THE ICE RINK."

Other good quotes...

"Sure there have been injuries, and even some deaths in boxing, but none of them really that serious."

-NBC Boxing Analyst

"If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again."

-Softball announcer

Quote of the day:

"I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father."

- Paul Hamm, U.S. Gymnast

(if you don't get it the first time, read it slowly again)

DATS RIGHT!!! WE'RE BACK!!!

DATS RIGHT!!! WE'RE BACK!!!


Free Guestbook from Bravenet.com Free Guestbook from Bravenet.com
Google
WWW www.get-a-life09.blogspot.com

Hey! Welcome everybody. Feel free to comment on any of our 300 posts (check the archives) and tell your friends about the website if you wish to. Get A life!

Powered by A2A Marketing Strategy