Friday, September 24, 2004

MSN Encarta - Famous Mensa Members O, so mensa IS for super-nerdy bookworms

Pressure Shot Golf - Kinda addicting golf game (games)

Tina Fey on Weekend Update: "Yesterday in a New Jersey courtroom, former NBA star Jayson Williams was acquitted of manslaughter charges. Although by all accounts he did pull the trigger in the shooting death of his limo driver. The verdict sends a clear message that, no matter where you live, retired sports stars are allowed to kill you." (May 1) -SNL

Kimmel: "The coach of a boys basketball team at a New Jersey middle school is in trouble because he gave one of his players a crybaby trophy. Here's the news and the guy's father with more ..." (shows news clip)

TV reporter: "The coach presented the crybaby award to that young man, saying and we quote 'He begged to get in the game and all he did was whine.' His father was outraged."

Father: "Crybaby award? Let's see ... parents over here on the side laughing, kids ... I'm like, 'Oh, man.' And I'm just looking at him, he's looking like he's ready to cry ..."

Kimmel: " 'Thanks, Dad.' ... Father's Day, by the way, is just around the corner." (May 4) -Jimmy Kimmel Live

"Today is take-your-daughter-to-work day. ... Actually, a pretty embarrassing day for the Clippers. They were going to take their daughters to work and then they realized, 'Oh, it's the playoffs. We never work during the playoffs.'" (April 22) -Jay Leno

"Our good friend, the country of Saudi Arabia, has beheaded four people. There were two beheadings just this week and they do these beheadings in public. They get huge crowds. You know what was really in bad taste. Last night was bobblehead night." (April 23) -Jay Leno

"According to USA Today, the price of a typical baseball ticket has doubled in the last 10 years. Well, sure, those steroids don't grow on trees." (April 26) -Jay Leno

"The new number one movie is 'Mean Girls' about a bunch of catty, gossiping girls constantly fighting with each other. So it's based on the Lakers." (May 4) -Jay Leno Page 2 - What's in a name?

Monday, September 20, 2004

"Here's my question, ladies and gentlemen. How confident can voters feel when our two choices for President can't ride a bike." (May 25)

Jay Leno:

"President Bush fell off his mountain bike this weekend. Luckily he was not hurt. He was wearing the same helmet he wears when he eats pretzels." (May 25)

President Bush fell off his bicycle this weekend. You know what's really sad? It was a stationary bike." (May 24)

Craig Kilborn:

"Ladies and gentlemen, our friend Dennis Kucinich, he's done the show, he has a new slogan: 'At least I can ride a freakin' bike.'" (May 27)

Jay Leno:

"More video of that horrible beating coming out of Iraq. No, I'm sorry, that was the Lakers game." (May 24)

Top 10 Signs Your Team Is Not Going To Win The NBA Finals, as read by 10 basketball Hall of Famers:

10. Oscar Robertson: "Owner won't pay for team to travel to away games."

9. Robert Parrish: "Coach used time out to go get Spike Lee's autograph."

8. Rick Barry: "Your teammate spends the whole game guarding the ref."

7. George Gervin: "Power forward has been out two months with the hiccups."

6. Willis Reed: "During the season, you lost to the Lakers and the Laker girls."

5. Walt Frazier: "Your team logo is a guy asleep in a hammock."

4. Clyde Drexler: "Much of the 24 seconds is spent on uncontrollable sobbing."

3. Bill Walton: "No one on your team can dunk without using a stepladder."

2. Kareem Abdul-Jabbar: "Your best player is named Shaquille Wasserstein."

1. Bill Russell: "Many nights you have more groin pulls than points." (May 25)

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The following quotes are from late night shows on NBC.

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